Je me rende

Shocking the world, the French have decided to close down their embassies and schools this Friday, due to the cartoons published in Charlie Hebdo this past week.  Fear of reprisals from Muslims over the offensive pictures of Mohammed prompts the upcoming closures, which will mark the 4000th time since Waterloo that the French have publicly surrendered. 

Even the clear attempt to defray Mohammedan wrath by simultaneously publishing offensive images of Jews in the same series of cartoons was not enough to allay French fears, since they were nowhere near as offensive as routine publications within the Arab world.  Ali "Hu" Akhbar, a resident of Vaulx-en-Valin, described the Jewish images as "...really nothing.  Such amateur efforts at caricaturing the Zionist pigs are frankly a further insult to the Prophet." 

French government officials immediately denied involvement in the publication of the cartoons and denounced them, questioning the wisdom of intentionally inflaming the already inflamed practitioners of radical Islam, following the now infamous YouTube video of last week.  However, they did timidly defend the right of the magazine to exercise such stupidity, citing the national French motto "liberté, égalité, fraternité."

Hopes are high that this incident will blow over without serious consequence.  In honor of the milestone achievement, the French have decided to follow the example of the Swiss Army Knife, by releasing a commemorative corkscrew, pictured below.

Disclaimer:  The above, as usual, should not be taken seriously by anyone, but is meant as a deranged satire, mostly to entertain the author.